The Art of Relationships

with Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

There is an art to maintaining the intimate relationships in our lives. Read on to explore our experts' perspectives, and learn new techniques to improve your own relationship skills.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2014

All You Need Is Love…and Sex

By Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

You can have a good relationship with your partner and still suffer from a lack of sexual desire. So, for all the talk about the importance of good communication for a healthy relationship, it is also important to apply this communication to the bedroom; and then do something about it. I recently heard Barry McCarthy, author ofRekindling Desire, give a talk, sharing some important concepts for revitalizing your libido. These are:

The “goal” of sex is pleasurable touch, not orgasm. Sex is more than intercourse. It includes sensually arousing touch that is best to enjoy for its own sake. It does not need to lead to intercourse.

Regular sexual experiences are essential in keeping your desire alive. The lack of sexual touch can lead to accepting (even if unhappily) an asexual relationship. Also, when couples have a sexually arousing experience less often than approximately every other week, they might experience a cycle of anticipatory anxiety, tension, failed orgasm and sexual dissatisfaction – all leading to an avoidance of sex and sensual touch.

Sex must be given freely as a gift, not forced or used as a reward or punishment.Once it becomes a tool for exerting power, it cannot be fully shared and enjoyed.

It is essential to respect your partner’s style of arousal. While men are often aroused and then pursue sex, women often need a sense of emotional intimacy before feeling aroused and ultimately pursuing sexual intimacy. It’s important to understand these differences if they exist in your relationship so that the two of you can bridge that difference together.

Both partners are responsible for sexual satisfaction in their relationship. Each partner is responsible for seeking to create their own sexual satisfaction, but they are also responsible for helping each other do this.

As with all other aspects of a relationship, good communication is essential to sexual satisfaction. It is important to talk about what turns you on and what turns you off. Share desires and fantasies, as well as sexual hangups. Consider, talk about, and use props from candles and romantic movies to vibrators or other sex toys. There is no crime in modesty or boldness. What’s important is to be comfortable with how you connect sexually and the frequency you do so; and that you connect in a way that leaves you sexually satisfied.

If your desire is low, talking about sex can feel threatening. You might fear that your partner will feel hurt, or you might feel inadequate. But by acknowledging the problem, you are taking the first step toward addressing it and improving your relationship.

The Art of Relationships blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.

Posted by: Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD at 1:29 pm

Men women and relationships...

Men Say 'I Love You' With Actions

Some men prefer to show their feelings through actions rather than words. Your guy may say "I love you" by fixing things around the house, tidying up the yard, or even taking out the trash -- anything that makes your world a better place.

He Really Is Listening

When you're listening to someone talk, you probably chime in with a "yes" or "I see" every now and then. It's your way of saying, "I'm listening." But some guys don't do this. Just because a man isn't saying anything doesn't mean he's not listening. He may prefer to listen quietly and think about what you're saying.

Shared Activities Form Bonds

Men strengthen their relationships with their partners through doing things together, more than by sharing thoughts or feelings. For many men, activities like sports and sex make them feel closer to their partner.

Men Need Time for Themselves

While shared activities are important, men also need time for themselves. Whether your guy enjoys golf, gardening, or working out at the gym, encourage him to pursue his hobbies, while you make time for your own. When both partners have space to nurture their individuality, they have more to give to each other.

Men Let Go Faster Than Women

Women tend to remember negative experiences longer and may have lingering feelings of stress, anxiety, or sadness. In contrast, men are less likely to dwell on unpleasant events and tend to move on more quickly. So while you may still want to talk about last night's argument, your guy may have already forgotten about it.

Men Don't Pick Up on Subtle Cues

Men are more likely to miss subtle signals like tone of voice or facial expressions. And they are especially likely to miss sadness on a woman's face. If you want to make sure your guy gets the message, be direct. Men are even likely to miss signs of cheating,betrayal etc..

Men Respond to Appreciation

Showing appreciation for your guy can make a big difference in the way he acts. Take parenting: Studies show that fathers are more involved in care-giving when their wives value their involvement and see them as competent.

Men Find Sex Significant

It's a myth that most men think sex is just sex. For many, sex is a very important act between two committed people. And just like most women, men find sexual intimacy to be most satisfying within a committed relationship. One reason is that long-term partners know how to please one another better than strangers do.

Men Like Pleasing Their Partner

Your pleasure is important to your man. But he won't know what you want unless you tell him. Too many women feel uncomfortable talking about what they like and don't like. If you can tell him clearly in a way that doesn't bruise his ego, he'll listen. Because he knows he'll feel good if you feel good.

Guys Get Performance Anxiety

Most men get performance anxiety on occasion, especially as they age. Your guy may worry about his body, technique, and stamina. If you can help him learn to relax and stay focused on the pleasures of the moment, sex will become less stressful.

Men May Stray When Needs Aren't Met

If a man doesn't feel loved and appreciated in his relationship, he may turn elsewhere for satisfaction. For one man, that may mean burying himself in work. Another may develop a fixation on sports or video games. And some men cheat. To avoid this, partners need to work together to meet each other's needs.Where as women can cheat just for sake of it.

He's Vested in You

Most men realize there's a lot to lose if a long-term relationship goes sour -- not just each other's company, but the entire life you've built together. If you're willing to work to strengthen your marriage, chances are your man will be, too.

Improve Sex experience.....make an intelligent effort..

Improve Sex experience.....make an intelligent effort..

By Stephanie Watson

WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Laura J. Martin, MD

The lights are low. A fire smolders in the fireplace. Two wineglasses sit, half empty, on the nightstand. Your clothes lie in a heap on the floor. You reach for each other. The two of you tumble to the bed, and...

Blah.

No explosions of passion. No breathy proclamations of desire. No tumultuous climax. Then you wonder: How can everyone in movies and romance novels be having fiery, combustible sex when you and your partner barely create a spark?

Sexologist Logan Levkoff, author of the eBook How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex With You, says, "TV shows and movies give us this very skewed representation of what sex is supposed to be like.  Everyone seems to be climaxing and having orgasms all the time from whatever they're doing. When you grow up on a diet of that, and when your real life doesn't match, you think, 'There's something wrong with me,' or, 'There's something wrong with my partner.'"

Real-life sex can almost never measure up to the passion portrayed on the screen, sex therapist Isadora Alman says. "People don't talk about the fact that it's likely that in an odd position you'll pass gas or the love of your life will take you in his arms and have bad breath."

Sex in the real world isn't perfect, and it doesn't always end with an earth-shattering climax -- but it doesn't have to, Levkoff says. "Good sex doesn't necessarily have to be about an orgasm. It can just be an emotionally fulfilling experience between partners."

Getting What You Want in Bed

Even when everything else in the relationship is working, sexual styles aren't always compatible. You like long foreplay sessions. Your partner is ready to go in an instant. You long for wet, sensual kisses. He prefers dry, chaste pecks. "Sex is not just naturally perfect," Alman says. "There is the energy of a new relationship that is positive -- the excitement and the eagerness and the passion. And the negative is that you bump noses or knees because you just haven't learned how to dance together yet."

But even long-term couples can struggle in the bedroom. Though we can easily tell our partner what shirt we'd like him to wear, or what we'd like to cook together for dinner, we tend to get tongue-tied when it comes to the topic of sex.

"People tend to be very sensitive when it comes to talking about sex," says relationship and family therapist Rachel Sussman. "They're afraid of hurting their partner's feelings, so they don't tell them what they like or don't like. But you're not going to get it unless you ask for it."

So how do you tell your partner what you want without bruising his or her ego? "I think it's really in how you bring up the statement," Levkoff says. "'I would love it if we...' or, 'Could we try this?' You don't want to make them feel bad about what they've done or haven't done."

You can have the conversation whenever and wherever it's most comfortable for you. But before you talk, you need to know exactly what it is about your sex life that bothers you. Is it a question of technique? Personal hygiene? Timing? "Once you know what isn't working for you," Alman says, "there are things you can suggest that can mitigate those circumstances."

For example, if something about your partner's smell is turning you off, suggest taking a bath together before making love. If you crave more foreplay, ask for slower segues into sex.

Before you can tell your partner what you want him or her to do in bed, you need to know what you like. "I think especially for women, they've got to explore their own bodies," Sussman says. "You have to masturbate. Get a vibrator. Get some books. Teach yourself how to orgasm."

When It's Just Not Working

After you've tried talking and the sex still isn't working, what then?

"Experiment together," Sussman says. "Learn to get to know each other's bodies."

Try some sex aids. Read books with pictures (such as The Joy of Sex), or watch an educational video together, Alman says. Not porn, but explicit videos in which a voice-over explains what's happening in the scenes.

Sometimes, the problem is a physical one, such as premature ejaculation. Or it may be that the stress from your job is bleeding over into the bedroom and disrupting your sex life. In those cases it can help to see a sex therapist. "We unravel why you two are not getting along," Alman says. "And then we try to remedy that."

If you're still unsatisfied, is it ever OK to fake it in bed?

"If you're faking it, you're doing yourself a disservice because you're not learning what really turns you on," Sussman says. "I think eventually, it takes a toll. Your partner's going to realize that you're disconnected."

Can sex ever be bad enough to consider ending a relationship over? Possibly. "You might really love somebody and the sex is never going to be better than OK. You have to decide whether you can live with that," Alman says.  

Whenever you're considering a breakup or divorce, you need to weigh every element of the relationship and not just the sex. "You can't have everything in life," Sussman says. "If you have a wonderful relationship and you love each other and you have kids but the sex isn't great, maybe you can live with that."

Sussman says that every couple has the potential to have good sex if you’re willing to put a little effort into it. "If you're two emotionally and physically healthy people, you should be able to work with what you've got. Not everybody needs to be hanging off the chandelier," Sussman says. "You can get better. But you have to practice, and you have to be open to discussing it and getting help when you need it."

Give positive experience.......understand pain...share pain and do not give lecture @ that time

When someone is suffering, the suggestion to focus on the positive can cause further hurt. It leaves many feeling like their pain is being invalidated and is unimportant, which can feel the same as being told that they are unimportant. Before people who are suffering can begin to reach for some help out of their pain, they often need validation for their experience. They need to get the message that their pain is understood; it is a very human experience; and it is worthy of compassion. Once they receive this message, they are often able to gain the comfort and soothing they need. This is a positive experience, which sometimes enables them to reach for more positive experiences. This domino effect of feeling good is not just a hopeful idea, but rather has been supported by common wisdom and experience and scientific studies (such as in the work of Barbara Fredrickson).

swallow negative feelings....and die early

"A lot of people think fighting is a sign of an unhealthy marriage, but it can actually be a good thing. Couples who express their anger to each other live longer than those who swallow negative feelings in order to keep the peace." -- Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD