There is an increasing body of research that tells us how to "fireproof" a marriage. People have long labored under false ideas about what it takes to form and then sustain a long-term, loving relationship. Some people have the idea that they must find a "soul mate," one who is destined to meet own needs. Current research shows that while we do need someone who connects with us emotionally, good marriages are not written in the stars. Instead, they are created by our ability to connect: a skill that can be learned and improved upon.
Pre-marriage dating normally stresses on the importance of compatibility, but compatibility has more to do with forming a relationship than with keeping one going. And a person / whole family if are hoard of cheats then will present them in a way that are seen as they are the most compatible but when marriage is solemnized their true colour and incompatibility is seen. Then one finds that they are unable to deal with the negatives in the marriage. In other words, it's not the problems themselves that kill the marriage, but our inability to cope effectively with the problems. This inability is essentially the result of habits that erode the foundation of the connection in the marriage.
Recent research indicates that the wish to have a close, emotional connection with others is a fundamental human need. If that deep intimate connection is not present in our marriage, we will grow unhappy, dissatisfied.
Here are a few tips on how to fireproof your marriage:
Translate your spouse's complaints about you as a desire for a closer connection. For example, an argument about how much time a husband spends at the office is probably really about a loss of emotional intimacy.
Keep regular contacts with your spouse by phone, e-mail, or even notes to indicate your desire to have an ongoing, emotional connection.
You cannot rely on your partner "knowing" that you love her. Marriages need continual displays of caring. As those diminish, so does marital satisfaction.
Go to a marriage counselor if you find your marriage is on rough surface. Research shows that most people experience marital unhappiness for several years before seeking help. Waiting this long makes it far less likely that the counseling will be helpful.
And there are many others who think counselors are their slaves and start dictating terms like handle this way or that way my spouse. Note counselors are not your barbers to follow your dictates while doing your hairstyle. They are not working for your tips/ bribes and hence are not there for pleasing you, take your side or do act as you wish.They have atma/ conscious of their own and are having responsibility to be fair to all.. They forget that counselors,police,judges handle such imposters / frauds/ liars/cheats everyday and that they will be worth nothing if they can not read between the lines.
And by chance you succeed to mislead a counselor then too it is your funeral as you are further aggravating the relationship by bending and twisting the process.
Don't go to a counselor :
- if you want only change in your spouse while you want to continue your sins.
- if you dont want to own up your own mistakes and seek ways to avoid
- if you want counselor to be your instrument and to play to your tune
- if you dont trust your counselor or wont listen to their advises
- If you think they have a magic wand and that they will give you solution over night . Your sinister behavior may be so deep that it may take several sittings before a bud can be seen and blossoming may be still distant .
- If your false pride can not surrender before counselor
- if you can not admit and assure that you can work on yourself seriously and committed. A habitual lair, womanizer, person going berserk in fit of rage , person deeply desirous of dowry (dowry mania), person keeping parallel relations, person wants only stooges around and spends on them fortune as his weak moral and personality can only take songs to please him and can not bear even constructive and truthful criticism in spite of his behavior being illegal/ immoral and habitually remaining in addiction of sex, wine or drugs ( read obsessive compulsive disorder).
You don't always have to agree with everything your spouse says, but it is important that you make sure he/she feels like you're listening and that you consider his/her opinion to be valid. If your partner feels rejected by you, you're lighting the fire of divorce.
Don't become a workaholic unless you want to be divorced. You can't over value your job, other relations,other hobbies and devalue your spouse.
If you have children, you still need to emphasize the emotional connection with your spouse. Otherwise, you'll make it much more likely that your kids will grow up in a single-parent home.
Don't push your partner to so much in tight corner by doing something very unworthy/ unhealthy /unacceptable that he/she has to go and complain about you or your family and friends. While your all misdeeds and shamelessness may be too simple for you and your own gang as you have been brought up in such environment and thinking but may not be acceptable in any society / norms then how and why your spouse should bear it at all.
Good sexual relationships are the result of good emotional connections. Don't expect to first harass, insult, demean, cheat her or her family or physically abuse her or do unaccepatble behaviour and then expect satisfying physical response.
You have to win your spouse by having a beautiful heart ( by being loyal, trustworthy, tolerant, jovial, caring) and giving beautiful environment. ( try once in a while dim musical lights, safe ,secluded place, flowers, fragrance, chocolate ice cream and some good words about your spouse).
Don't have an affair. Most affairs end with great damage to all parties.
These are a few ways to maintain a healthy, happy marriage.
Sam J. Buser, Ph.D. is past-president of the Texas Psychological Association and a member of the American Psychological Association's Division 51 (Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity). Excerpted in part from The Guys-Only Guide to Getting Over Divorce and on with Life, Sex, and Relationships by Sam J. Buser, Ph.D. and Glenn F. Sternes, Ph.D. (2009, Bayou Publishing). Reprinted with permission.
